Sunday, September 15, 2013

Britney's Punctuation Violation and Your New Favorite Workout Song

I heard Britney Spears' new single on the radio today while driving to the supermarket, and my first thought was, "OMG my car just transformed into a gay club. I need to download this for my running mix immediately." Seriously, download this song and it will inspire you to go for a six-mile run. At night.

While Britney's earlier lyrics promoted submission ("Hit me, baby, one more time"? "I'm a slave 4 u"? Gross.), her latest single has a message of empowerment and encourages a strong work ethic. "You want a Lamborghini / Sip martinis / Look hot in a bikini / You better work[,] bitch." That's right! You can't expect things to be handed to you in life! You have to earn them! Especially abs. Perhaps the Libertarian party will adopt this as its new theme song.

When I heard it again on the way home from the supermarket (thank you, Boston, for having five top-40 radio stations), the DJ announced that the song was called, "Work Bitch," and I immediately asked myself, "Does this ingenious and subtle song title include a comma?" Brit is not exactly known for her brains, so I figured the chances were slim that she had properly punctuated her new single, but I still held out hope that proper punctuation might rule the airwaves. So, I texted my friend Jeremy to confirm my fears. Jeremy and I once went to an all-Britney drag show in San Francisco, and he is an authority on all things pop-culture-related.

As I predicted, Jeremy officially confirmed what my heart already knew: there is no comma in Britney's opus. Britney, I beg of you, please add a comma to your new single. While this mistake may not be quite as bad as marrying K-Fed, I'd say it ranks up there with shaving your head and hitting a papparazzo's car with an umbrella.

Voila. The album cover.

Without the comma, this title says, "I'm that mean lady two cubicles down from you who is always yelling at her husband on the phone and making hostile comments during staff meetings," not what it means to say, "I command you to do work, you bitch!" Commas are important, people.

"You better work, bitch." On your punctuation. Yes, I hold it against you.


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